The pains still intense. It eats at you. It burns holes through you. It devours you whole.

You need alcohol. It soothes the pain, replacing one burn for a much more pleasant one. Too bad all your booze is sitting pretty at home, where you can't get at it when you need it most.

All you can do is sit there and think. Think about your misery. Think about your pain. Think about your anguish. It would be depression if you weren't already depressed. Though you have come to terms with this, you had to since it didn't go away after the first few months. Not that She caused it, it was around long before then.

So there you sit, lost in your thoughts. All you can do is think about that day. The day where it all went wrong. This isn't going to help your mental state at all.

...

What. The. Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

What just happened? How did it happen? What are you going to do?

She smiles meekly. You have no idea what the fuck you are supposed to do. Your world view of the world was just destroyed. You look at Her, but still have no idea what to do or say.

"We can still be friends right, because I still want to be. I like you, I'm just not attracted to you anymore. This always happens, I get attracted to some one, then after a few weeks it's gone."

What the fuck. You really have no idea what to say now. Only one thing comes to mind. Well actually that is bullshit. A torrent of things is currently raging through your head, but you are still dumbstruck. One thing manages to slip out of you mouth.

"Yeah, we can still be friends."

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

"Okay."

She smiles meekly again. This time she stands, ready to leave. She makes you stand. You are not sure why, but then it hits you.

Well more like She hits you. Metaphorically of course. She gives you a hug, which tears you up inside. It fills you with confused thoughts. Whether or not She realizes this is unknown to you.

She leaves. You just stare off into the distance.

You sit for quite a while, not able to think about anything for the first time ever.

You crawl into bed and die.

...

Suicide would be a fantastic option. All your pain would be over. Just a quick jump, a pull of the finger, a slash of a knife, and mouth full of pills and it would be all over. All the pain would be gone and you would never have any pain again.

You could leave this miserable, fucked up world. Existence sucks. There is something fascinating about it though. Observing this fucked up world keeps you from ending it. Morbid curiosity of where the hell this is all going is just too interesting.

Besides, if you kill yourself you are just taking the cowards way out. You know that you are too much of a 'man' to do that. You can bear through it. You could die at any moment from any number of things, why end it now? You can wait until nature takes its course.

That little ball you have curled up in on your bed is good for now. All you have is yourself, so you just hold on to that.