The pains still intense. It eats at you. It burns holes through you. It devours you whole.

You need alcohol. It soothes the pain, replacing one burn for a much more pleasant one. Too bad all your booze is sitting pretty at home, where you can't get at it when you need it most.

All you can do is sit there and think. Think about your misery. Think about your pain. Think about your anguish. It would be depression if you weren't already depressed. Though you have come to terms with this, you had to since it didn't go away after the first few months. Not that She caused it, it was around long before then.

So there you sit, lost in your thoughts. All you can do is think about that day. The day where it all went wrong. This isn't going to help your mental state at all.

...

What. The. Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

What just happened? How did it happen? What are you going to do?

She smiles meekly. You have no idea what the fuck you are supposed to do. Your world view of the world was just destroyed. You look at Her, but still have no idea what to do or say.

"We can still be friends right, because I still want to be. I like you, I'm just not attracted to you anymore. This always happens, I get attracted to some one, then after a few weeks it's gone."

What the fuck. You really have no idea what to say now. Only one thing comes to mind. Well actually that is bullshit. A torrent of things is currently raging through your head, but you are still dumbstruck. One thing manages to slip out of you mouth.

"Yeah, we can still be friends."

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

"Okay."

She smiles meekly again. This time she stands, ready to leave. She makes you stand. You are not sure why, but then it hits you.

Well more like She hits you. Metaphorically of course. She gives you a hug, which tears you up inside. It fills you with confused thoughts. Whether or not She realizes this is unknown to you.

She leaves. You just stare off into the distance.

You sit for quite a while, not able to think about anything for the first time ever.

You crawl into bed and die.

...

Suicide would be a fantastic option. All your pain would be over. Just a quick jump, a pull of the finger, a slash of a knife, and mouth full of pills and it would be all over. All the pain would be gone and you would never have any pain again.

You could leave this miserable, fucked up world. Existence sucks. There is something fascinating about it though. Observing this fucked up world keeps you from ending it. Morbid curiosity of where the hell this is all going is just too interesting.

Besides, if you kill yourself you are just taking the cowards way out. You know that you are too much of a 'man' to do that. You can bear through it. You could die at any moment from any number of things, why end it now? You can wait until nature takes its course.

That little ball you have curled up in on your bed is good for now. All you have is yourself, so you just hold on to that.

God dammit.

You need to get Her out of your fucking head.

Fuck Her, you don't need Her, you don't love Her, you fucking hate Her, the fucking bitch.

But it's not true. Maybe you don't love Her, but you don't hate Her. You feel like you need Her. You feel like She needs to be there, always. Is that love?

You feel so desperate.

How long has it been? It has to be, what, two weeks now? Do you even remember what happened during those two weeks? You try and think back, but only remember a blur of nothing and fractured images of you attempting to ask other girls out. You seem to have an impeccable knack for asking out girls who are already in relationships. At least that is what they tell you. You are done with that, you are sick of failure and feeling even worse.

So what now? What the fuck are you supposed to do? Suicide seems like the optimal choice, but you would never do that. Suicide is for the weaklings who can't put up with the pain. You have a better idea, self destruction.

Self destruction is so easy and it may eventually lead to death.After all, self destruction is immensely more fun than self improvement. Self improvement requires actual work and sacrifice. Self destruction requires having fun. Even then, once you destroy yourself, you get to have an actual challenge in building yourself back up. You deserve a real challenge in life so self destruction it is, but which method should you choose?

You already drink, but not to excess. That would be an easy choice, but an expensive one. You also won't have any alcohol until the end of the month. Casual sex would be a very fun one, but even though you think you could pull it off, you know you don't have the balls to take it that far. You might as well go with the one you have been contemplating, smoking.

Smoking seems like a very easy thing to pick up. Literally. All you have to do is pick up a cigarette, light it and smoke. Simple. Though you are not completely sold on the idea. You need to try a cigarette before you go out and buy your own pack. After all, if you hate it that is money you could have spent on booze.

So you go and try and find someone to bum a cigarette off of. It wasn't too hard, you know a few people who smoke, so you go down to the tables outside to try your first cigarette. You get handed a menthol Marlboro and light it up.

You inhale. Sort of. You only bring the smoke into your mouth. It tastes good. You are not sure if you should actually inhale the smoke. You are pretty sure that is the appropriate way to smoke, but even though this is a way to kill yourself, cancer sounds pretty shitty.

So you make a vow, you are going to pick up smoking regardless of the complaints your friends lodge against you. You go grab that one girl, the crazy one who, for the first few weeks of knowing her, scared the crap out of you. You know she wanted to tag along and get some cigarettes as well so you let her.

So you drive to the gas station. You go inside and stare at the giant wall of cigarettes. It is daunting. Luckily you know exactly what you are going to buy. You get in line and wait your turn. You ask for the pack you want and go back to your vehicle. You are not sure what to do now, but then she asks you to take her to the bank so that solve that problem.

You take her to the bank and she does what she needed to do. You then go back out to your vehicle to smoke. You open your pack and take one out. You really suck with a lighter though, so she gives you a few pointers. You smoke and she starts the conversation.

"So why are you picking up smoking."

You have vowed not to lie, something you soon will change but not right now. "I wanted to do something bad for me, you know, this just seemed like the best decision."

"I know what you mean."

The conversation continues but what follows is inconsequential. Most of the talking is done by her; she tells you about her shitty life and while most lives are shitty, hers is even more so. The more you talk to people, the more you realize how much life sucks. You feel bad for her, though she still kind of scares and disgusts you.

You both finish smoking and get back into the vehicle. The conversation continues all the way back to campus. You part ways and try and decide what the hell you are going to do now. First and foremost, you are going to go wash your hands and brush your teeth. You can deal with the smoking, but not the smell on your hands and breath.

You vow to only smoke one cigarette a day. You refuse to become one of 'those' people. You will never be a pack-a-day smoker. It is terrible for you and is way too expensive. You are a poor college student, you can't afford a pack of cigarettes a day, hell you can barely afford a pack of cigarettes.

The week kicks off. You start going to certain classes a bit early so you have time to finish a cigarette beforehand. You secretly hope some of your friends will catch you in the act so you can explain yourself, but it doesn't happen. At the start, the only person who catches you is one of Her friends and since you are not talking to Her, you don't really talk to her.

You also find yourself sniffing your fingers a lot. You know you are doing this for two reasons. Your hand smells funny now and you find that strangely fascinating. You also want people to ask you what the hell are you doing, but no one does. It doesn't really matter though, you are actually enjoying smoking, a shock, so whether or not people argue with you about it you are still enjoying yourself.

The next day leaves you with too short of a break between classes, so you wait until you are finished for the day. You don't smoke while you walk, instead you scurry as fast as you can back to your building. Once you get there, you don't smoke. You go about your day as usual. You find yourself sitting alone in your room, bored and lonely as usual. That's when you get the urge.

You head downstairs to the area far enough away from the building to smoke. You sit down and light the cigarette you pull from the pack. You find this strangely relaxing. You are not sure if this is such a great idea. You were told when you started that smoking was a social thing. So many people all feeding their disgusting habits have nothing better to do than talk while they smoke. You don't go with this aspect though. You take this time to sit around and think.

Being alone with your thoughts isn't necessarily a good idea. You find yourself thinking about your life and all of its shit. All of its good as well. You fluctuate moods while jumping between dispositions. You swim through your mind. You debate the finer points of your mental state, which is still confused and frustrated. Then she walks up.

It is that one girl that lives on your floor. You think she is gorgeous, but she has a strange personality. Not a bad one, just unusual. What she does frustrates you. It also doesn't help that you happened to be thinking about a particularly bad memory at the time and your mood reflected that.

"What are you doing?" she says in an accusing tone.

"Uh, smoking?" you are not sure how to respond, since what you are doing is fairly obvious.

"That is filthy, why are you doing that?"

You have a loose idea as to why, but you are not going to explain that to her.

"It's complicated."

"I have family that have died from smoking, you need to quit."

Now you are getting angry. How dare she criticize you. She has no idea how fucked up you are in the head and what a fucked up idea this is. This is the first time you realize how strange this idea you have come up with is. That maybe self destruction isn't the answer. You swat those idea away for now. This is your life and she doesn't know you well enough to tell you what to do.

"You don't know the details and I am not going to explain them to you. I am doing this for a very personal reason and your complaints are only pissing me off."

That leaves her momentarily speechless. You didn't really mean to snap at her, but you did so now you have to live with it. Fuck you are fucked in the head right now.

"Fine," and with that she walks off.

Fuck. Good job, someone cares slightly about you and you push them away. You know you have problems getting close to people, pushing them away is not going to help. You sigh and continue smoking. Not that there is anything else to do. The burning end reaches the filter so you put it out and go back upstairs.

You try and go about the rest of your day. All that happens is you get more and more depressed. Everything is looking bleaker. You decide to break your one rule, you go down stairs again and smoke another cigarette. Good job, not even two days in and you break the only rule you set for yourself. Not that you care, this is getting you out of there and away from where She has been.

You can't help but think of Her. You don't think of Her like that this time. This time you try and figure out what you need to do to get Her out of your head. You know it is time, She is gone and you need to do something else now. You don't think of anything good, but you know that just thinking about moving on is a good step.

Another day passes. Another day of pain and frustration. Another day of your friends complaining about you smoking. Another day of smoking more than one cigarette, then proceeding to vigorously wash your hands and brush your teeth. Another day of contemplating.

God damn you hate people. Not any specific people, just people in general. They are a plague upon the earth. It is incredibly frustrating, being surrounded by people all the time. The only purpose they serve is so that you are not alone all the time. Being around people is horrible, but being alone is much worse.

Sigh. You need a smoke. You go down to the smoking area to be by yourself, but not sit alone in your room. You need to get out of there, She was there. You sit and stare out into the distance. You find it strangely soothing. You pull out a cigarette and light it. Now is the time for you to sit and be with your thoughts. If not now, then you will never be at peace. Though you are not sure you ever can be.

You didn't love Her. You were a bit infatuated with Her, but it wasn't love. You aren't even sure love exists. You consider it almost daily. You have reached the conclusion that whether or not love exists, you won't know until you experience it. This wasn't it.

It took a lot for you to realize this. You need to move on now. You are right back where you started and have no idea what to do, not that you had any idea in the first place. This is horrid, this feeling. This emptiness tears you up. The smoke doesn't fill that hole. This wasn't a good idea. You decide to go back upstairs.

M- is there. You don't know why, but you really like M-, he just seems like a nice person and you really enjoy talking to him.

"Hey, what's up?"

"You, I need to talk to you," M- takes you aside.

"What's up?"

"You need to stop smoking."

"What?"

"Promise me that you will not smoke until Saturday."

"What, why?"

"Because, you should stop, it's a challenge, don't smoke until Saturday."

"Um, okay."

"Great, okay I have to go. I will see you later."

You stand in silence for a moment. That was a very strange occurrence. You just promised M- that you wouldn't smoke and smoking has actually been beneficial for you. You have been thinking about quiting though. You are sick up the smell and really don't want to have to pay for more cigarettes. It's not like you even smoke 'right.' Maybe this is a sign that you should stop.

You put the cigarettes in your desk drawer and don't take them out when you are gathering your things in the morning. The day passes and they remain there. And the next. And the next. They remain there for a week, then you decide to give the rest of the pack to the crazy girl down the hall. You can't just throw them away, they cost money.

You picked up and quit smoking in the span of a week. You are an idiot. You need a new outlet for you anger and frustration. You are not sure what you will do, whether or not it will be worse than this, but only time will tell. You tell the world to fuck off and then go to sleep.

You should have gone with.

Everyone is leaving for the football game and you should have gone with. Yes you hate football, but you would have had fun just being with your friends. You really should have gone. It is Friday night and you have no plans beyond sitting in your room alone doing god knows what.

You need some booze. It soothes the pain. It calms that swirling vortex of thoughts you call your brain. Sure the pain is still there, once the booze wears off you will still think about everything, but that is not the point. The point is to provide temporary relief.

You are alone tonight, which is not good. You are pretty depressed, not more than usual, but who knows how the night will progress. Without something to distract you, your mind is going to start wandering, and when it does it always goes to that dark place. Usually a nice healthy dose of video games and a podcast will do the trick, but you are really not feeling that tonight.

Not that you really have anything better to do. As much as you try, you know you are going to end up playing video games, but let's see if we can't get your mind a bit altered first. Perhaps you can enjoy your night instead of just sitting in misery. You should have gone with you fucking idiot.

You know why you didn't go out, and it isn't because you don't like football. While that much is true, you didn't want to go have fun with your friends. Sure it would have alleviated the depression for a while, but once it was over you would have gone right back where you were and more than likely, even lower. You really don't want to be any lower than you are right now.

Though drinking doesn't really seem like the best course of action right now. You should just wait and see how the night progresses first. Just start small. Grab yourself a beer and just relax. There is no reason to get your mind in a state when it may not be necessary. For now all you need to do is try and relax.

Ah beer, how it can taste so sweet. It can also taste like piss water, but if you are going to get beer, it is going to be good beer. So you grab that dark Irish beer you love so much and sit down ready for some relaxation and.

Shit.

Shit, shit, fuck, ass damn, fuck, shit, shit, shit.

You don't have a fucking bottle opener.

Everyone who has a bottle opener that you could commandeer just left and locked their room behind them.

Fuck.

No, this will not end here. There is delicious beverage within that bottle and you will be enjoyed on this day.

You grab the one bottle opener you own. It is for twist off bottles, so its purpose is pretty useless as is. It does have a slit on one side that looks like it could fit the tab on a can, but no a bottle cap. You twist the cap around. This isn't working, you're just spinning the cap and not getting any further in taking it off.

This bottle needs to be opened. Well guess you will have to brute force this one. You take the bottle opener and begin banging it against the cap. You get a good hit in and hear the sound of escaping pressure. Only a few more like that and you are good. You take another swing and.

"FUCK!"

Son of a bitch that hurt. You look down at your thumb and see to grooves carved into the knuckle. One of them is pretty deep as well. You also have a chunk of skin hanging off of the larger groove. Shit this is going to start bleeding everywhere. You pull off the hanging skin, it was useless now anyway, and go to the sink.

You turn on the water and stick your thumb into the stream. It hurts, but not too much. Fuck, everyone just left and then you decided to cut your thumb open. Well this needs to be wrapped up before you go about fixing this. A towel would be best, but you only have two white towels and you really don't want to clean blood off of anything. Toilet paper would work, but someone is in there, shouldn't they be at the game?

Tissues. Tissues work. You grab a tissue and wrap it tight around your hand. Not tight enough, so you wrap it again. You pick up your wallet and keys and leave the room, locking your door behind you. The convenience store is just down stairs. You move down those stair as fast as possible and get to the convenience store. Oh look your friends are outside, you say hi, but avoid them because shit is going down.

You browse the shelves of the convenience store, but to no avail. You ask the cute girl at the counter.

"Do you have any rubbing alcohol?"

"Yes it is right here," she places a bottle on the table.

"Thanks, do you have a bottle opener by any chance?"

She give you a strange look, "let me check."

She browses the items hanging behind the counter. She notices your thumb, "are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine."

"What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Did you cut your hand open on a bottle?"

..."Yes."

She shows you a can opener, "I don't have a bottle opener, but the end of this can opener will work."

"How much is it?"

"Two dollars."

"That works."

"Are you sure you are okay, do you need any band aids?"

"I'm good, I have band aids in my room, thank's though."

You pay and leave, hurrying back to your room. As you walk there, you cringe at the thought of the coming pain. This is going to hurt like hell and you know it. You get back to your door, unlock it, and go strait for the bottle. You don't even unwrap the can opener, you just use the end to pop the cap off.

There, it is done. You take a nice, long swig from the bottle. Success tastes delicious; so does the beer. Now onto the pain. You prepare yourself mentally and take the bottle of rubbing alcohol over to the sink. It is time. You open the bottle and, shit it is sealed. You unseal the bottle and throw away the seal.

Now it is time. You hold your hand above the sink and ready the bottle. Shit you are not looking forward to this. Time to sack up. You pour, the rubbing alcohol flows directly into the wound.

"FUCK! OH GOD DAMN IT! Fuuuuck!"

Yeah that hurt like hell, but it is over now. Now all you need is something to cover the wound and hold the blood in. A band aid won't work, the cut is too deep and it will bleed right through it. What you need is a cotton ball or something. You grab another tissue and use it to stop the bleeding for now. Shit, okay, someone has to still be here and have a cotton ball.

You wander around your floor looking for someone. D- is leaving her room.

"Thank god, D- do you have a cotton ball?"

She notices your hand, "Not sure, let me look."

She goes back into her room and looks through her supplies. "I don't think I have any."

"That's okay, thank you for looking."

"No problem," and she is gone.

Fuck. This sucks. You are going to be stuck here holding a tissue until the wound stops bleeding, which could take hours, unless you find something and-

"K-!" You catch her just as she is about to leave. "Do you have a cotton ball I could have?"

"What did you do?"

"Uh, never try and open a bottle without a bottle opener."

"Ouch, let me look."

K- disappears into her room and you wait patiently. Her friend waits in the hall with you. You smile weakly at her, but you don't really notice her. This is pretty intense, you aren't even looking at girls, you are too focused on stopping the bleeding. That means something.

"I don't have cotton balls, but I have these pad things that are for removing nail polish."

She hands you two pads, they are made of cotton, but they are woven into a flat pad instead of being a fluffy ball.

"This should work, but I only need one."

"Just take both of them."

"Thank you so much."

"No problem."

You dart back into your room and remove the tissue. You splash a small amount of rubbing alcohol onto the wound again, just to make sure. It burns, but not as much. The pad is a little too big, so you fold it in half and press it against the wound. Now you need something to secure the pad to the thumb.

You ponder this for a moment, then inspiration strikes. You pull the tape dispenser out of your desk and begin wrapping your thumb in plain, office supply tape. It may be strange, but it works and that is all that matters. You finish wrapping and test out the make shift band aid. It seems good enough. You take another swig of beer and sit down to play your game.

...

The bottle is empty. The night is still young. Time to switch to the hard liquor, though a cocktail sound really nice instead of just strait. Well the dining hall is open for another twenty minutes, plenty of time to go get some Coke to mix with the rum.

You get down to the dining hall, big cup in tow, and the lady at the counter scans your card.

"You do know we close in fifteen minutes right?"

"Yeah I'm just getting something to drink."

"Okay, enjoy."

"Thanks, have a nice evening."

You go around the corner and fill you glass with Coke, you can just drink some plain Coke first until you have enough space for the optimal amount of rum. Time to get back to the game. You round the corner, but notice some of your friends at a table. You stop by to say hi.

"What's up?"

"Hi, how are you."

"Good," you sit down at the open spot, "just getting some Coke."

"No food?"

"No I just want Coke."

"Why?"

The girl who posed the question is bumped by another, "you know why."

"Yeah I need something to mix with the rum."

"Are you sure that's just Coke?"

"Yeah I'm not going to bring rum into the dining hall."

That isn't good enough. The glass is snatched away from you and sampled.

"See, it's just Coke, for now."

"True."

"So why aren't you at the game?"

"Why aren't you?"

"I hate football."

"Same."

"It's a valid answer."

"What happened to your thumb?"

"I got in a fight with a bottle."

You stay and chat for a bit, explaining what happened first and foremost. The conversation jumps from topic to topic, as they tend to do. Then it is time to go. You head back to your room. When you reach there, the glass has the perfect amount of room for rum. You fill the glass and sit back down to enjoy.

...

Everyone returns much later in the evening. You managed to turn a night of assumed self loathing into one of relaxed enjoyment. The alcohol really helped that, it usually does. It turns out that the game went well, though from the sounds of it, you chose right in staying away.

You share your fight against the bottle with your returning friends. It amuses them. If anything, you gained an interesting anecdote instead of a forgettable evening. You retire early for the night. You do love sleep after all.

Later you learn that the bottle opener that you thought didn't work, works just fine for opening normal bottles. Good job moron.

This sucks, still. Well at least you have some booze now. Though if you drink, it will make you not think about Her, but right now you want to. Yes it hurts, but it helps bring some semblance of closure.

Of course if you just think about the bad, then it is going to get progressively worse. Then again, if you think about the good, then it is just going to hurt because those times are now gone.

Hurt now or hurt later?

Shit. Well the hurt later can be lessened with booze, so you might as well think about the good times and start drinking.

You take a swig.

...

This sucks. Homework sucks. Why can't something more interesting happen.

You are sitting at the foot of your bed, laptop in lap, typing away. She is at the head of your bed, Her laptop in lap, typing away. She is so beautiful, you can't help but stare.

You need to concentrate. You sort of fucked up last semester, so you need to make sure you keep yourself on track this semester. School is very important, if you fuck this up you can kiss you dreams and life goodbye. So stop staring at Her.

Type, type, type, type, type, fuck.

You cannot possibly concentrate with her in front of you. You picture yourself by Her side. Her head an inch from yours. Both of you breathing softly, slowly getting closer. Your lips lock. The image replays itself again and again in your head. You stare at your screen, but cannot think of anything but the image.

You shake your head. Type, type, type. You shake your head again. Something has to work. You have a request.

"Kiss me."

She looks bewildered, "what?"

"Kiss me. I can't stop thinking about it, I can't focus. So please, kiss me so I can concentrate."

"No, just do you work."

Fuck. Whatever, it was worth a try. You look back down and attempt again to focus. The flat rejection actually helps a bit. You start typing again and get much further in your assignment than you ever would have hoped just a few minutes ago. You look up and notice She is staring at you.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Uh, okay."

You continue working, typing away at that keyboard. You are working, well not hard, but you are actually working, which is a significant departure from your usual habits. Your mind seems somewhat clear, while the image is still present you managed to suppress it enough to focus. You just type, type, type - She leans in and kisses you on the cheek.

You are bewildered, "what was that?"

"Nothing, just do your work."

"Okay, no, you can't just do that and leave it at that, especially when you do it like that."

"No, do your work."

You shift to the head of the bed and sit next to Her.

She continues looking at Her screen, "what?"

"You really think I am going to go back to doing my work after that."

"Yes, I do."

You stare at Her with a look. You're not entirely sure what the look comes off as, but you like to think it comes off as a 'I despise what you are doing and am attempting to see through your charade.' Then you do go back to work. You manage to kiss Her on the lips briefly before the night continues.

The rest of the day flows as usual. You and Her hang out with your friends. You go to dinner. You laugh and enjoy the fun times. Then you wind up back in your room, alone with Her. You both are sitting on your bed, just lying with each other. She turns and looks at you. You lean in and kiss Her.

She gets in close. You wrap your arms around Her. Your lips lock and continue to wrap around each other. Things get heated, though clothes stay on. You remember something stimulating, not that you don't have a raging erection, but you remember something to stimulate Her. You reach up into the back of her shirt and run you fingernail down her spine. She shivers and moans faintly.

You continue the embrace, periodically running your finger down Her spine or reaching down and grabbing Her ass. You don't know how much time passes, between the kissing the just lying in each others arms, but it does and it is getting late and you both have class in the morning. So you walk Her back to Her room. Once you get there though, you see that Her roommate isn't there.

You walk in there with Her, walking over was pretty uncomfortable since you still have an erection, but no one but Her noticed. You embrace Her, for a hug, and move for the kiss goodbye. Then you get into it. You both are standing, but you don't notice. Then She does something you have never experienced before. While kissing you, She latches on to your lower lip, sucking it into her mouth while gently biting down on it.

Holy shit that feels good. Your eyes roll back into your head and you get weak in the knees.

"Oh my god that feels amazing."

She smiles at you seductively, "I know."

She goes back at it. You return the favor, though it is clear to you that She likes doing it to you more than She likes getting it done to Her. You think. You're not totally sure, so you make sure you do it to Her as well. This continues. You have no idea how much time has passes, only that it has been amazing. You glance down at the clock.

Fuck. It's one thirty and you have class in six hours. You should have never looked at that fucking clock.

"I have to go, I have class."

"I know."

You start to leave, "no fuck that I don't want to go."

You kiss Her again.

"Fuck, I have to go."

"So go, stop coming back."

You sigh, "Okay I will see you tomorrow."

"Bye," she smiles and watches you leave.

You wander back to your room. By the time you reach it, your erection has finally subsided. Holy shit, you had that for what, four hours? Damn, that has never happened to you before. Now something feels strange within your balls. You plop onto your bed, then it happens.

FUCK!

Holy fucking shit!

Your balls feel like someone lit them on fire. You have no idea what is happening or why. All you know is it fucking hurts. You roll around in intense pain, holding your balls as you do.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Your roommate is confused at your actions. He just returned from wherever he was.

"Fuck, it feel like someone lit my fucking balls on fire."

"Dude that sucks."

"I know."

You continue to roll around in pain for about twenty minutes. When the pain subsides you finally realize what it was. Blue balls. Blue fucking balls. You got fucking blue balls, you didn't even know that it actually exists, let alone you would ever get it. Well now you know.

...

You laugh to yourself. You had forgotten about the blue balls fiasco and the first kiss thing happened in the same night. That did suck, but it did leave you with a funny story to tell.

You tear up slightly. You really miss those times. They were amazing. There is nothing you can do about it now though. You put the bottle away and get ready for bed. Perhaps tomorrow you can work on changing your life for the better, but for now all you can do is sleep.

You're not sure what is going on. You awake in a haze. For some reason you are lying with your head at the foot of your bed. Everyone is gone and the lights are dim. The movie is still playing on the TV screen.

Shit, you think, what time is it?

Wait. Something is out of place.

You notice that she is still here and she is lying next to you, in your bed. You can feel that she is breathing gently, fast asleep. Don't fuck this up idiot just be smooth. Your pretty damn tired as is so just put your arm around her and go back to sleep. Be wary of her belly button ring of course, it is still sensitive.

...

Now you can't sleep. Not to worry, you still are not sure how this happened. Just
go through the day one step at a time. It all started after lunch.

Everyone came over to watch a movie out in the lobby. You were pretty excited, you love whatever movie were going to watch and always want to share it with who ever is willing. So you plop your lazy ass down on the couch with the others. You sit with that stupid grin on your face that you get whenever you're doing something you enjoy. It ends and they want to continue to relax and watch another movie.

You comply with their requests because you really do not care. You are bored so whatever is good with you. You sit back and do some work while they enjoy. Well, you try and get work done, but they want cereal. Whatever, you aren't getting anything done anyway, so you might as well and put that unlimited meal plan to use and get some cereal. They question if you are serious but you are already on your way out.

So you get a box of cereal, and box as in to go box, and a cup of milk. You give them the box and some spoons and sit in a chair while they eat. They endlessly thank you because you are such a nice guy. You are not sure if you are, everyone says you are, but you just don't see it. You attempt to start working again, but you don't get much done.

Yeah you are getting nothing done so you go and throw the trash out as the movie wraps up. You get way too distracted by other people. Well now those other people want to go to dinner. Seems like a good idea, you need some food and you have time until the movie you are going out to see. So food, yay.

You get your plate of whatever does not look repulsive from the dining hall and take a seat next to her at the table with everyone else. You wonder about her. Of course you find her attractive, definitely in a physical manner, but on a personality level you are not so sure. Not that it really matters, you don't think she thinks of you in that way, you are just friends and you are fine with that. Friends are something you need right now you sad depresses idiot.

You just sit there and enjoy the company. Ever since moving here you have dreaded eating alone, but it had so rarely happened that you are not sure why. Even those few times were of your choosing. You laugh, you smile, you converse, you do normal meal time activities, whatever those are. Everything ends and now you are parting ways. Everyone has work to do before the movie.

Get your work done, you know that is what you have to do. Surprisingly you actually go and get work done. You don't meander. You don't daydream. You don't procrastinate. You get shit done. It is a pleasant change. Now you can go see the movie and not feel bad about it. You go and show up at their door and head down to meet the rest of them at the movie. You are made aware that she is going to show up later, since she is still getting work done.

You meet someone new. You make small talk while you wait for the movie. You explain why you don't like blowjobs, Again. You have no idea why that keeps coming up, but it does strangely. It is college after all. You really just want to watch the movie, you're not sure why, since you have already seen it and thought it was pretty good but nothing amazing. Well now you can get your wish, and oh look she showed up just in time.

After a brief confusion, she comes over and lies down in the grass next to you as the movie begins. This is the first time you have ever been to a movie outside in a pick nick like environment and so far it is pretty nice. Those thoughts enter your head again. You have to wonder if she does have any interest in you, since you want something from someone. Well all signs point to no.

It is fine, you don't really care. Something will come someday, you hope, and if not, well you will just continue being depressed and hating yourself. Luckily, this is providing a nice reprieve from the depression and hate. So just sit and enjoy the movie. That is exactly what you do, you enjoy the movie and then she offers to give everyone a ride back to the dorm.

Now you want to drink, the movie has inspired you. Damn, you are out of booze. But wait, what is that, she has booze and she will gladly share. You all also want to watch another movie, which is perfect in your mind. You stop by her room when you get back and pick up said booze, some whiskey for you and some rum for her.

Then you get back to your room. It is just the two of you for now. You set up the movie while she hops up onto your bed. You connect all the appropriate wires and assure that everything is ready.

"Why did you just hop into my bed?" you wonder honestly.

"You don't get the hint"

Oh shit, no you didn't. "Oh" you reply in understanding.

You hop up in bed beside her and the two of you look at each other awkwardly. You are incredibly confused, if there were signs before this, you had no clue, no fucking clue. You are happy, but confused and, shit everyone is here now.

Defeat temporarily. Shit happens and now it is time for another movie, but first whiskey. You open the 'baby' bottle of whiskey and take a sip. The golden delight slides down your throat and warms you from the inside out. You pass the bottle around and everyone else frowns in disgust after they take a tiny sip. More for you. You start the movie and lay down next to her. You both sit and enjoy the movie and the booze.

This is incredibly pleasant, you really don't care that you have class tomorrow this is just too enjoyable. You polish of the whiskey and make a mental note that you like whiskey and want more. The rum is handed off to everyone else, she had enough. The movie continues to your favorite scene. You have your laugh and notice that she has fallen asleep beside you. That actually sounds really nice right now.

...

Yeah it still doesn't really make sense in your head. Not that it matters, it is awesome. Well you are already in the position so it is back to sleep with you. You reach over and click the movie off first though.

...

Awake again. Shit what time is it. You don't really care, after all you only have one class tomorrow that you were probably going to sleep through anyway. Just relax, you will drift off to sleep eventually. Just enjoy the moment and relax.

"What happened to the movie?"

Or not. "I turned it off, we were both sleeping."

"Did it end?"

"No, but you missed the best part."

"Rewind it"

"Can't we just sleep?"

"Movie" she says as she gently wiggles back and forth.

"It's too big of a pain to start up again, let's just sleep."

"Give me a massage."

Any other time you would be thrilled to hear those words, but you really are tired. Even though just hearing them gave you a little burst of energy, sleep sounds so much better right now so you say, "I'm too tired, let's just sleep."

"Massage," and the wiggling continues.

You sigh, defeated because you don't feel like arguing and in the position you find yourself in, something nice could happen, "Fine."

You stretch, thinking it may somehow give you more energy, and get to work. Thumbs pressing down, you test a little to find the perfect amount of pressure and begin around the curve of shoulder blades. This isn't really working; she is wearing two shirts and a sports bra, so this is quite difficult. Might as well ask.

"Okay, if you want me to do this, you have to take off your top shirt."

Not surprisingly, she has no qualms against this and pulls the shirt off as soon as you finish asking and promptly lays back down. Well, now it is time to get back to it, so your hands return to her shoulder blades. Working slowly you move from the out, in, and down. Your thumbs line her spine, trying to get all of the tension out. You reach the end of her back and start again at the top. Time to switch it up, so you make fists and roll them into the tension spots in her back. You continue to alternate between the two methods, but you grow tired yet again. Well it is time to switch it up yet again, so you pull out an old standby.

You extend your thumb again. This time you turn it sideways and rest you nail at the top of her spine. The correct amount of pressure has long been stitched into your brain, so you apply said pressure and run you nail down the length of her spine; she shivers, the expected response but the good kind of response. You repeat this a few more times.

"What do you think of that?"

"It is really nice, just as nice as the massage so just keep doing this."

"Well what about this."

You grab her foot and slide you nail down the length of the bottom and she shivers intensely.

"That feels strange, kind of ticklish, kind of good."

You chuckle, amused with the response.

Wiggling, "keep going."

"No, sleep time."

The wiggling continues and damn are you weak. So of course you start again. After a few times, she decides to add, "try moving your finger side to side as you go up and down."

Holy shit, how have you never thought of that. That is brilliant, you wish you thought of that. Time to give it a try. You go to start, but have trouble with her shirt.

"If you want this you have to take off your shirt."

"Take off your shirt."

Yeah, you don't have any hang ups about taking off clothes so you whip it off.

"There it's off, so it is your turn."

"Take it off for me."

Heh, she doesn't have to say that twice. You slide it up, pulling from both sides. When you get it to her breasts, she sits up slightly and takes it off. Now you have to keep working, so you try the new method. You can tell from the 'vibe' she is giving that she loves it. You enjoy it as well, since it gives her such pleasure, yet requires little effort. Hell, you can do it while you lay down.

You are tired of doing this. You lay back down, just enjoying that someone is here.

"More." Wiggling. "More!" Wiggling. "Mo-shit!"

When she moved, she rubbed her belly button against the bed.

"That was dumb." You smile as she turns over.

"Shut up, it hurts," she looks at her sensitive stomach.

"Does it look red or raw?"

Inspecting closer, "no it looks just fine."

"Are you sure?"

Closer still, "yeah I'm sure."

You both remain lying on your backs. You gently trace a wide circle around her bellybutton. Then it happens, she starts talking. It is fascinating. You didn't expect this. You never knew if she was into you in a sexual way or in a friend way or what. Now she is confiding in you, she is going on about a previous relationship. You are seeing a whole new side of her; she isn't just a sex craving partier, she is in a way a lot like yourself, she is running from something and drowning herself in something else.

"Are you drunk?"

You're not, you never have been. You are a little tipsy still, but barely. "Yeah."

Without pause, she continues, elaborating on her life. It intrigues you. You never saw her as some one who was just as fucked up as you were. It makes you briefly wonder is you could actually pursue a relationship with her, but you just don't see it going anywhere. This of course still makes you think of Her, because it seems that it is impossible for you to go a day without thinking of Her. Just ignore it for now, focus on her, since she is the one lying next to you.

You make occasional comments, when appropriate, but you are not sure what exactly to say. It seems that she is telling you her life story, but is this out of sincerity or did that little bit of alcohol really get to her. You may be able to drink like a tank, but maybe she is a light weight. The story is coming to an end.

"We need some more booze."

"We do, but we drank it all and it is too late to call my friend."

"You have a friend to get booze for you?"

"Yeah his name is J-, he is in my Government class and my writing class."

"Call him."

You laugh, "it's too late."

"Damn."

You sit in silence for a few minutes, then your roommate walks in.

"Oh shit, sorry," he exclaims before stumbling around.

"J-?" she asks.

"No, that's N-, my roommate."

"I'll just leave you guys alone."

"It's fine, we weren't doing anything anyway," of course you say this, all the while there is a girl laying next to you in her bra and pants.

"It's cool, I was just getting my computer and leaving."

"Did you ever get a light or some cigarettes?"

"Yeah I did."

"Wait," she is confused, "you smoke."

"No, I just wanted to tonight, but now my fingers smell like shit."

"I want to smell."

That makes you laugh. He lets her smell his finger.

"It does smell like shit."

"Well I'll leave you alone now," he says and he locks the door on his way out.

No words now, just wiggling.

"If I am going to do anything, let's switch to the other end of the bed."

"Why?"

"Because we are laying at the foot of the bed and I would prefer to lay there."

"That's fine."

"Thank you."

"Just to let you know, I am too tired to do anything tonight."

"That is fine with me."

It is fine with you, after all you didn't expect anything to happen in the first place, so if it goes no further you can just be pleased that it got this far. You both readjust yourself and you get to the massaging again. You can find your mind clear. All you can think about is what is happening now. Usually that is because of the alcohol, but that has had to have worn off by now. You drank so little as is, and with your brief nap-hold that thought.

"Be right back, have to pee."

You relieve yourself and wash your hands, then you hop right back into bed and get back to work. As you were thinking, there is no way that alcohol has any hold over your mind right now. The math just isn't there. You stop massaging. The wiggling commences. You playfully complain. The wiggling keeps happening. You start massaging again. This happens a few times.

You decide to take a break for real this time and she rolls over onto her back. You look at her stomach again and assure her that it is not red and or bleeding. You talk to her, about pointless, meaning less things. Complaints about how she is teased for always wearing sports bras, sex in general, hatred of people, normal discussion topics.

"Do you have an extra contact case?"

"Uh, I think I do actually."

You look frantically for your extra case. While you do, you fill your contact case with solution and give it to her. You continue looking while she puts her contacts in your case. This isn't getting anywhere. You clearly left your other contact case at home, looks like you are sleeping in your contacts tonight.

You decide that it is time to move things along a bit. As the conversation swings towards sex, you playfully poke her. Not that you haven't been poking her. The occasional poke to that ticklish spot in the side that everyone has is just one of those unspoken things that everyone does. No you don't do that, you man it up this time and 'cop a feel.' Now you are really enjoying yourself.

"You are such a perv."

"I don't think you have any right calling me a perv."

"That's true, but you are still a perv."

"You know you like it."

That makes her laugh, which make you want to tickle her. You poke those ticklish spots, her sides, under her arms, her feet, all while being wary of her stomach. This has gotten her going.

"Are you drunk?"

Why does she keep asking that? Well, be honest this time, "no I think it has worn off by now."

"Good, that makes you responsible for me."

Is that supposed to make you feel good? It worries you, what does that mean? Does it mean that if you have sex with her, you should feel terrible? Does it mean that you should do everything in your power to make sure she is okay? Is it some strange in between? You have no idea.

Well you continue doing what you were doing first. You go back to feeling her up and trying to turn her on. You caress her breasts. You tease her. You reach down and grab her ass.

"Damn son."

You smile and continue. It seems like she has gotten a sudden burst of energy.

"Let's dance."

"What, when?"

"Now."

"Are you serious, it's two in the morning."

"I want to dance."

"No it's too late."

"Dance," and more wiggling.

This continues for a few minutes.

"Okay, fine we can dance."

"We need music."

"Well what type of dance do you want to do?"

"Salsa."

"Yeah I don't have any salsa music."

"Go on youtube."

You sigh, "fine."

You are out of bed now and logging back on to your computer. After some quick searching you find a song and put it on. Immediately, she gets into it.

"Come and dance with me."

"Too tired."

"Come on."

No is really not an option. You still have an erection from just laying with her in bed, you are tired, and you really just don't want to dance at two in the morning. That isn't stopping her, she is over there gyrating her hips and belly dancing.

"Dance with me, don't you know how to salsa?"

"Of course I know how to salsa, you know I know how to salsa, but you are not even doing the salsa, so."

The song ends.

"Okay, that's enough, bed time."

"No, more dancing."

After a quick search, she puts on another song and comes over to you. Now she really is not doing the salsa, she is just grinding her ass against your crotch. That's not enough though, she pushes you against your roommates bed so she can really get in there and put some pressure into her grind. You wonder what the fuck you got yourself into. This continues for a few minutes.

"Come on, stop."

"No, actually go over to the bathroom door."

You don't really care, so you comply. You probably shouldn't have, since she just closes it and pushes you into it and really gets going. You just keep trying to deal with that raging erection in you pants while she is going to town grinding her ass against it. You can see yourself and her in the mirror.

This is really fucking awesome. You are really excited about what is going on. Yes you want to sleep, but this is so much better.

"Okay, you really need to stop, this just isn't fair."

"No."

"Damn how long is this song."

"Long enough."

"Come on, you are just exacerbating the situation."

"What?"

"You're making it worse."

"I know."

"Seriously, I may have to do something."

"Oh yeah?"

You wonder what exactly you are going to do. You could go strait for the kill, but would that turn her off? Would anything less turn her off? You have no fucking idea what you need to do so you can fuck her tonight. You go for it. First you grab her ass with both hands.

"Damn."

You don't stop there, you slide your hands around into that spot. You feel around a bit, trying to pinpoint just where you think the clitoris should be, then you start your payback. Then you stop. You wonder whether you just went too far. All this being a nice guy really has gotten in the way of you getting some.

"Okay that's enough, shit." You shuffle around, your erection is quite uncomfortable. "How long was that song?"

You go and look while she gets back into bed.

"No wonder, that song is half an hour total, and we got through twenty minutes of it."

"Yeah."

Shit, she sounds a bit dejected. You probably should fix that. You get into bed and give her another massage. After, she rolls over to check her stomach again. You lie next to her. You know what you need to do, though why you waited this long is a mystery. You lean over while she just lies there and kiss her. You don't just fuck around this time though, you go full force, you do the thing She taught you. Fuck, you aren't supposed to think about Her.

You suck on her lower lip, while applying a bit of pressure from your teeth. You can feel her trembling and really getting into it.

"Damn son."

You smile and got back in. Periodically she grabs you and pulls you in close. Somehow you have ended up in the missionary position. You continue kissing her. You're not sure how long this lasts. It just keeps going. With the position you're in, maybe it is time for some real payback. Grinding drove Her nuts, hopefully it will work on her as well.

You are shaking. It was a great idea to do all of this, especially since you have been up since seven in the morning and went to the gym today, which explains why your triceps are so sore and causing you to shake. You start to go at it, but it is really awkward to both kiss her and grind, but you try regardless.

Fuck!

Oh shit that hurts. Good job genius, it's not like you haven't done this before. Sure that erection is awkward and makes this a bit difficult, but you don't have to go and poke her with it. Especially when you didn't mean to. You roll over, wincing from the pain shooting up and down your dick.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just, shit, ow that hurt. I'm okay, it's fine."

You 'saddle up' again and just return to kissing.

"I'm really proud of myself."

"What do you mean?"

"Well I've been drinking and I am surprised that I still have my clothes on. I am proud of myself for that."

Fuck.

Yeah you are not getting fucked tonight.

What are you supposed to come back with after that? Talk about a turn off. Now you really have no idea what you should do next. Talk about hitting a brick wall. Well you really only have one thing you can do, you just continue kissing her. Really going at it.

"Damn son."

Fuck this, you are not stopping here. Well actually you are, but you are not going to let her know that until you are done.

"Damn son."

Exactly.

"Damn."

You look at the clock. Shit, it's three thirty already. You have class in six hours and you love sleep. Well you think it is about time to wrap things up.

"I think I'm ready to sleep, what about you?"

"That's fine."

Not the best response, but what can you do. You cuddle up with her and within minutes, she was asleep. You follow shortly after.

...

Something is beeping. Why is it beeping, fuck that's annoying. What is it? You open your eyes to see what it is. It is her watch. Since when was she wearing a watch?

"Class?"

"Yeah."

You sit up and hop out of bed. You look around and help her gather her clothes and various things. You wonder if you should kiss her goodbye. You should, but you don't. You give her a hug and walk her out. You are just too ecstatic that you slept with a girl. You always wanted to just sleep with a girl, but you never had the chance until now. So you just ride the high.

Thought you eyes do feel like shit. This is why you don't sleep in your contacts. Damn that feels strange, oh well.

You still have two hours until class, so you wander back to your bed and go back to sleep.

...

Fuck, now you know this beeping. Fuck this. You hit the snooze button.

...

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. You just want to sleep. You check the time. Fuck, class starts in three minutes. Good thing it is just down stairs. You turn off the alarm, slip sandals on, and go to class.

You try and stay awake, but you did not get enough sleep.

...

Well class is over and you learned nothing. Your next class was cancelled for today, which is perfect. You go back to your room, take your contacts out, and go back to sleep.

...

Okay, enough sleeping. What time is it? One thirty, great. You haven't missed anything and you feel great. What happens afterwards can be summarized very quickly.

You did fuck up. You really should have moved faster and harder. You should have been decisive. You rode your high for the rest of the day, bragging to a few people how you stayed up until three thirty with her. You didn't give them details, instead allowing them to imagine what you did based on lies you told them before.

That isn't just it though. You wanted to fuck her and you didn't want to fuck her with a bit more emphasis on not. You know she is a dirty dirty whore. Well not so much a whore as a crazy nympho. It didn't feel right, though you really wanted to do it. It is incredibly confusing.

You don't really hear from her. You try, but she is busy. You are not sure if she is really busy, beyond the mass amount of shit you know she does, or if she is just avoiding you. You don't know and it makes you feel like shit.

Then you realize you don't care. You didn't expect anything to happen and something did. Now it is probably over, but you don't care. If she wants to talk to you more, she can make the effort to do so. Then during a moment of depression, you text her. The reply and following brief conversation was very disconnected. After that you don't talk to her. The number is in her phone if she wants to dial it.

You later realize that she was just avoiding you. It made you feel bad for a brief moment, then you realized that you truly don't care. While she continued her nympho ways, you went on with your life. You hear from her and you don't. You don't do anything with her though, even if the opportunity presented itself you, well you probably would though you would feel like shit. It is a conundrum. Whatever.