Powered by Squarespace
Updates

Fuck it, we'll do it live.

Sex in socks

My friend George and I made this tonight. Our good friend Matt Kondoff, the awesome musician who does the theme song for The POW Block and who's music is featured on the site, did the camera work.

Love

 

This piece is something I wrote on the concept of love one night when I couldn't fall asleep. Though it seems like everything I write is because I lay awake at night thinking about it.

 ---

    Love is a convoluted, confusing, encumbering force that refuses to leave us alone. Don’t read this if you think this may make sense. I don’t know if I can provide that kind of clarity. I don’t have a goal nor do I know what I’m actually trying to accomplish. This is just a way to organize my thoughts as they spill out of my brain. Maybe you’ll see something I don’t.

    Love is a word that is casually thrown around constantly. Some comedian that I watched said that he hates when a girl says “I love you” because he knows they don’t mean it. He watches them as they gush over other things, saying things like “I loooove ice cream,” or something to that extent and that the passion in that line is so much more intense then when it is told to him, that it can’t possibly be true. I have to agree, I don’t understand how you can gush over so many things. Not that I’m innocent.

    I love Scott Pilgrim. I love Tron. I fucking love curry rice. I get why we use love like that, and yet I don’t. I can’t help it. I do fucking love curry rice, it’s probably my favorite meal. It’s not that there aren’t other words to use, but love is always the first thing that pops into my head. Do I mean it? I don’t know. I do really enjoy a nice bowl of curry rice, but is that love? What the hell is love anyway? Clearly my enjoyment for food is vastly different from my enjoyment of another person, so why do I use the same word?

    If it was all about the implied meaning, there would be no problem. So where does the issue come from? What really is the biggest issue is we have no idea what love means. I’ve come to the conclusion that love is the feeling you get when you realize that you want nothing more than to spend the rest of your life with someone. That’s when you love them. So why the hell, knowing this, do I still use the word constantly for meaningless, trivial things?

    If we can love other things, that has to mean that there are different types of love. What we need is different words for those different types of love. Don’t expect me to suggest any, I’m just voicing an opinion. I often say I love someone after they do something beneficial for me. It is in no way the same as what I consider the meaning of love. It’s like the dictionary definition of run. In the English language, run has over a dozen definitions. If someone tried to compile all of the various forms of love I could see that number easily doubling or tripling.

    I could just sit here asking questions over and over again. It all really boils down to, if I accept my previous definition of love as its definition, then any other time I use the word I use it incorrectly. If it’s not love, then it’s just caring immensely, plain and simple. As an aside, I did not write this in one attempt, rather everything before this paragraph at once, then everything else several days later. So love is misused constantly. I plan on attempting to reduce the amount that I do this, but I doubt anyone else will or will care.

    I saw Tangled today. I adore Disney, I always have and this time they didn’t disappoint. That’s not the point though. Every form of media always seems to indicate that not only is love something so amazing that your whole world wraps around it, you know it when it happens and you will do anything to make it work. The world may move to keep you apart, but you’ll just move it back. This is complete and utter bullshit of course.

    I’m not a pessimist, a downer, or a lonely heart. I believe in love and all it’s mysteries. I don’t think people will be lonely forever, nor do I believe that unless we find that one person we will never be complete. There are misgivings about love, but that deals more with our perception of people than love itself. I’ve said in the past that while I believe in love, I don’t think I’ll ever find someone who not only instills that in me, but reciprocates it. I don’t really believe that either though. I’m just so unsure of the future that it’s just easier to make generalizations that ease the present then to actually look.

    I don’t think I’ve ever felt love and I’m not sure if I ever will. I can say I’ve felt a feeling close to what I approximate love to feel like and it is a wonderful thing. I’m not going to run and hide though. I’ve been burned in the past and I assume I will be burned in the future, but it’s something worth looking for regardless of the hardships. The harder the journey the greater the payoff, right? I was hoping that by writing this I would figure something out, that something would make itself clear. That didn’t really happen, but I still feel somewhat more confident on this topic. I don’t know, nor do I ever plan to.

 

Sex follow up

This was written by a friend of mine in response to the post I made about sex. He's written other things as well you you can see them on and follow his tumbr.

----

I’m staring at a wall. It’s about two inches from my face, so it’s really the only thing I can stare at. Unless I turn around, of course. If I did that I would have to look at her though. I couldn’t help myself. She would be in my field of view and my eyes would naturally be drawn to her. I’m not ashamed of what I did, it’s really the exact opposite, I just don’t want to look at her. I want to go to sleep, but I can’t.

I want to be back in my own bed, in my own room. Yeah I know, I would rather be laying in my bed alone with my roommate sleeping on the other side of the room leaving me to have to silently move around as to not wake him up, then lay beside this girl. I like my bed, it’s mine. It’s covered in my sheets, it has my pillow, it’s surrounded by all of my stuff, and it smells like me. It’s comfortable and familiar. Those reasons are also why I’m here. That’s my area, not a place for her.

I’m not trying to sound like a complete ass, though I feel as though what I say next will do just that. I barely know this girl. She’s in one of my classes. After we wake up and awkwardly say goodbye, that’s all she’s going to be. She told me her name and I told her mine, I won’t forget it but I won’t care about it either. Tomorrow she’ll go back to being that cute girl in the back of class and I’ll go back to being that guy who usually sleeps through lectures. We both got what we wanted out of this. There were no feelings involved. Nothings changed. We both needed a release and we got it, end of story.

The reason I don’t want to be here now is not because I don’t enjoy sleeping with another person. It is always nice to lay down next to someone and fall asleep, having that last thought before you drift off being that you’re not alone. What’s even better is when it’s someone you care about, but that has nothing to do with this. I have class in the morning. If I don’t go, it’s so much easier to just blame her for this. If I’m in my room I know that I can only blame myself for any failures.

I had sex with this girl and the only thing that is different is now I won’t feel the overwhelming desire to do it again for at least a few weeks. It’s been like that since the beginning. When I lost my virginity, my world didn’t change. The only thing that was even slightly different is that my sexual desire increased. I wouldn’t have predicted that. I now know that my sexual desire from before was almost all curiosity, now it’s an addiction.

I don’t mean sex is the same addiction as I have with cigarettes, though I could see it becoming that. It’s more the way I am with oreos. If someone opens a package of oreos near me, I’m going to eat them. Now if someone opens a package of stale oreos, I may think twice. If someone drops some oreos on the ground, I’m not going for that. It’s the same with sex, if it’s presented to me, I have a few factors I have to consider first, then I am more than likely going to do it. It’s a slight issue of self control and a big issue of not caring. I want it and it really doesn’t have consequences if I take the right precautions, so why not?

You say that sex changes things. You say it as a cold, hard, irrefutable fact. Yet how can you say that David, when I say to you that it changed nothing for me. My view of the world remains as it was before. I don’t completely disagree with the points you make, but I do take issue with quite a few of them. You also ask for a response and that’s exactly what I want to give you.

I don’t disregard sex, nor do I fear it. By your opinion, if I had to be put in a category it would be the first, yet I know sex can be meaningful. Meaningful sex is a wonderful thing. To know that the person you are with is sharing themselves with you, not as a selfish way to fulfil their desires, but in a caring and loving way is one of the best feelings in the world. Finding someone to have that with is almost impossible though.

You can have a healthy relationship without sex. I wouldn’t call it a normal relationship by any stretch of the imagination, which is what you might have been going for, but it is possible. There are people in this world born without sexual desire (I would hate to be them though). As people, we are able to convince ourselves of almost anything and it is possible for both parties in a relationship to be convinced that sex doesn’t matter. It would just suck.

Separating sex and emotions come from desire alone. If you don’t want to separate sex from emotions, you won’t. You’ll be lost in a limbo that leaves you feeling hurt and empty. You can’t expect it to happen instantly or easily. It comes with proper planning. If you want to have meaningless (or ‘casual’) sex with someone, you need to make sure that’s what they want as well. Stalkers suck, so play your cards carefully.

If you want to have meaningless sex, find someone that does as well and go for it. If you don’t, don’t try because it won’t work. That’s really all I’ve learned from sex. Sex taught me things about sex, not about life. I don’t think I would have wanted sex to have taught me about life. Sex is a complicated and potentially dangerous, but wonderful thing. It has to be approached carefully. The more I think about it, it’s an apt metaphor for life.